The Grand Unified Theory of Psychology, by The Drunken Master

(He's world famous for shaking the foundations of traditional psychology. And now I'm proud to introduce the man himself, the amazing Drunken Master!)

Science [sahy-uhns] noun - Systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation.

Now, one could say Psychology is the study of the mind, brain and behaviour. That definition begs the question - Why? The answer, Penfold, is quite simple: What better way to waste money than by telling people their studies might offer insight into the mind of another person? (A rhetorical question)

Did You Know: Goclenius, a German philosopher, coined the word Psychology where psyche meant soul. Actually he meant sole but couldn't spell (he'd love this blog). He invented the field of Podiatry later in his life to study mental illnesses, but people preferred Psychiatry what with Psych-ology the en vogue term then.

Just by looking at the definitions listed above, and maybe allowing it to marinate in our minds for a bit, we can deduce psychology is not a science. Most psychos also admit this, so why the fuck should I go much further?

Did You Know: Arthur did in fact find out the secret but was a selfish prick, choosing to die with the knowledge of the real Holy Grail while propagating a goopy sentimental story about a cup!

Instead of quitting while I'm ahead, I'd like to pad my lead. We are all considered unique, hell our DNA proves it and our parents bombard us with that line to make us feel better every day, so why the hell are some people resorting to a field to prove otherwise? The answer there too, is simple. Lies, damn lies and statistics. You see, to prove something SCIENTIFICALLY, you have to show the process can be repeated constantly, like if you pass 1 amp of current through a 1 ohm resistor, the voltage across the resistor is...1 volt! Everytime. Simble. Now since no two living creatures will have the exact same response to a stimulus, what do the schmucks do? They use "math" to prove their results are valid. Stats isn't math, stats is manipulation. Z-Score, Bell Curve, T-Test, chi-square etc. etc. Everything can fall within a bound if it is big enough! "But we like to curve fit, duh!" It's like a salesman saying a moped without gas is at least a great bicycle. It's like Sean Hannity supporting the Democrats, like Freud breaking down dreams like Tesla did electricity.

Did You Know: There are four types of measurements or measurement scales used in statistics, nominal, ordinal, interval and ratio? Do I really need to say more? OK, check out this book by Darrell Huff.

Since I am on a roll, I will now proceed with a condensed version of my brand new, never-seen-before thesis on the futility of psychology.

Let's start with what we do know. Much as we loathe to admit it, men have a brain and women have one too and both sexes use it to varying degrees. These brains can be divided into two hemispheres, right and wrong left. According to published studies women use more of the brain to perform tasks than men do, proving the obvious that men are more efficient than women. Now psychology wasn't needed for this, simply an MRI machine. Using this information, we can now make sense of the differences between men and women:

Men expect things to be done faster and conversations shorter, sometimes even reduced to a series of grunts. Women on the other hand like to talk and share their feelings, thus expressing their thoughts abstractly, most times causing men to be clueless about what they want (can you blame them?). Psycho nuts call it ADD or Adult ADD, idiots.

Men love sports because it mostly involves men beating up on each other or spheres with or without bludgeoning devices or women in skimpy gear. Women hate sports because it takes men's attention off them and at that point, the only things they would like to beat up on is men, with or without the aforementioned bludgeoning devices.

Men being (now proved) more direct and efficient, love women who are easy. Why? Because the answer is made obvious immediately. Either she will or she won't, no strings attached. Women who consider themselves tough, independent and "real" should look in the mirror, are you really happy?

OK, ok, since I've reached the end of my dissertation, I'll consider the other side as well. Women love the stereotypical tall, dark and handsome man but forget one thing, if the man knows he's all that, he's not going to waste his time with the average girl, you'd have to be at his level of hotness to score with him, so stop dreaming about the hot guy, keep it real.

While the results of my studies are quite shocking, I assure you they have been verified and are in fact, quite true. Instead of simply cursing me (or putting me up on a pedestal), allow me to propound my theory: I can safely conclude men think with their dicks and women think with their womb, effectively rendering the brain redundant and its study (psychology, in case you got lost in the muddle), quite irrelevant and useless.

Q.E.D.Nifty, no?

(The Drunken Master has been advised to submit this article to the American Journal of Psychology.)