Shallowness is Profound

Profanity is profundity

Saturday, March 03, 2007

The Deeper Meaning of Life

My quest to find the deeper meaning of life has finally ended.

I have now discovered the TRUE meaning of life.

There is none.

The universe was a fucking waste of time to begin with.

And it's all pointless unless someone buys me a villa in Corfu.

For some inexplicable reason, this brings to mind a conversation between my favorite philosopher and his beloved father.

Philosopher: Respected pater, I have decided that I shall live the life of a very wealthy man, a life of riches beyond compare.

His Father: Respected filis, I am heartened to hear this. You show ambition, which is an admirable trait indeed. You are, no doubt, aware that you will need to persevere in order to achieve such lofty goals.

Philosopher: No, respected pater. For it is you who shall persevere. I merely wish to inherit the riches.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Scientific proof that men are cavemen

It all began with this post.

I wrote a fairly long post, and included a tiny picture just to amuse myself. And what did the good gentlemen of the blogosphere do? They all ignored the written part of the post in its entirety (except for the one anonymous gentleman who said it was boring shit) and headed straight for the picture. How do I know they did this? They all commented on the picture, but failed to comment on anything I'd written (which, btw, was the sort of good solid advice you'd find in a trashy chick magazine).

As I pointed out in one of my comments on that post, it has less to do with men being visual and more to do with men being illiterate.

Now, I shall talk about some more astute observations that I have gathered over a lifetime. For example, the fact that when you're in conversation with a member of the male species, they aren't really paying attention to what you say, they're trying to work it out by reading your body language, while taking furtive peeks down your cleavage. Or your legs. Or where they imagine your legs might be under that skirt. All of this forces me to conclude that men do not speak English, or any other spoken language. This is the real reason men suck at talking on the phone.

They grunt, much like most non-speech-challenged members of the porcine species.
It's simple and it's perfectly logical. Men are cavemen.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

The Grand Unified Theory of Psychology, by The Drunken Master

(He's world famous for shaking the foundations of traditional psychology. And now I'm proud to introduce the man himself, the amazing Drunken Master!)

Science [sahy-uhns] noun - Systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation.

Now, one could say Psychology is the study of the mind, brain and behaviour. That definition begs the question - Why? The answer, Penfold, is quite simple: What better way to waste money than by telling people their studies might offer insight into the mind of another person? (A rhetorical question)

Did You Know: Goclenius, a German philosopher, coined the word Psychology where psyche meant soul. Actually he meant sole but couldn't spell (he'd love this blog). He invented the field of Podiatry later in his life to study mental illnesses, but people preferred Psychiatry what with Psych-ology the en vogue term then.

Just by looking at the definitions listed above, and maybe allowing it to marinate in our minds for a bit, we can deduce psychology is not a science. Most psychos also admit this, so why the fuck should I go much further?

Did You Know: Arthur did in fact find out the secret but was a selfish prick, choosing to die with the knowledge of the real Holy Grail while propagating a goopy sentimental story about a cup!

Instead of quitting while I'm ahead, I'd like to pad my lead. We are all considered unique, hell our DNA proves it and our parents bombard us with that line to make us feel better every day, so why the hell are some people resorting to a field to prove otherwise? The answer there too, is simple. Lies, damn lies and statistics. You see, to prove something SCIENTIFICALLY, you have to show the process can be repeated constantly, like if you pass 1 amp of current through a 1 ohm resistor, the voltage across the resistor is...1 volt! Everytime. Simble. Now since no two living creatures will have the exact same response to a stimulus, what do the schmucks do? They use "math" to prove their results are valid. Stats isn't math, stats is manipulation. Z-Score, Bell Curve, T-Test, chi-square etc. etc. Everything can fall within a bound if it is big enough! "But we like to curve fit, duh!" It's like a salesman saying a moped without gas is at least a great bicycle. It's like Sean Hannity supporting the Democrats, like Freud breaking down dreams like Tesla did electricity.

Did You Know: There are four types of measurements or measurement scales used in statistics, nominal, ordinal, interval and ratio? Do I really need to say more? OK, check out this book by Darrell Huff.

Since I am on a roll, I will now proceed with a condensed version of my brand new, never-seen-before thesis on the futility of psychology.

Let's start with what we do know. Much as we loathe to admit it, men have a brain and women have one too and both sexes use it to varying degrees. These brains can be divided into two hemispheres, right and wrong left. According to published studies women use more of the brain to perform tasks than men do, proving the obvious that men are more efficient than women. Now psychology wasn't needed for this, simply an MRI machine. Using this information, we can now make sense of the differences between men and women:

Men expect things to be done faster and conversations shorter, sometimes even reduced to a series of grunts. Women on the other hand like to talk and share their feelings, thus expressing their thoughts abstractly, most times causing men to be clueless about what they want (can you blame them?). Psycho nuts call it ADD or Adult ADD, idiots.

Men love sports because it mostly involves men beating up on each other or spheres with or without bludgeoning devices or women in skimpy gear. Women hate sports because it takes men's attention off them and at that point, the only things they would like to beat up on is men, with or without the aforementioned bludgeoning devices.

Men being (now proved) more direct and efficient, love women who are easy. Why? Because the answer is made obvious immediately. Either she will or she won't, no strings attached. Women who consider themselves tough, independent and "real" should look in the mirror, are you really happy?

OK, ok, since I've reached the end of my dissertation, I'll consider the other side as well. Women love the stereotypical tall, dark and handsome man but forget one thing, if the man knows he's all that, he's not going to waste his time with the average girl, you'd have to be at his level of hotness to score with him, so stop dreaming about the hot guy, keep it real.

While the results of my studies are quite shocking, I assure you they have been verified and are in fact, quite true. Instead of simply cursing me (or putting me up on a pedestal), allow me to propound my theory: I can safely conclude men think with their dicks and women think with their womb, effectively rendering the brain redundant and its study (psychology, in case you got lost in the muddle), quite irrelevant and useless.

Nifty, no?

(The Drunken Master has been advised to submit this article to the American Journal of Psychology.)

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Grammar/Spelling not necessry for the good science. To prove my blog only about content, I deliberate make the attemp to shun the speling and the gramer.

This blog about science.
Not about nothing else but the science.
A very reliable source (can't name him, he does top secret government work) has just revealed to me that the big bang is actually bird droppings.

The Nobel dudes have been reading my blog!

I have proof.

They're also out to get me. They're doing the exact opposite of what I'd want them to do! They've actually gone ahead and given out Nobel prizes to some dudes who did stuff on GENES! I disproved genes on my blog!

Look here!

I also disproved physics! 96% of it anyway! And I'll get around to disproving the big bang soon.

But look what the Nobel dudes have gone and done!

Whaat the fuuck??

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Raindrop disproves physics

Physicists know shit about shit, just as I suspected. Even they admit that they don't know squat about 96% of our universe. Their claim that they understand the remaining 4% is rather far-fetched, imho.

One fell swoop. 96% of Physics. I am AMAZING.

I'm on such a roll here. First biology, then physics. What shall I disprove tomorrow? Chemistry?

I'll get to History once I'm done with the sciences. Any guest contribution that captures the general spirit of this blog is welcome. Email me at my yahoo ID.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Raindrop disproves science one subfield at a time.

I have some science friends* with huge superiority complexes. They're full of shit, so I put two and two together and came up with this. Science must be full of shit too. Yeah, and you thought logic was an exclusively scientific domain.

So over the next few days, I shall attempt to disprove all known science. Hopefully, this will shut a lot of universities down and divert money to areas where it is needed. Like free vodka.

Today, I shall disprove evolutionary biology.

Evolutionary biologists extensively use flies. This fact alone destroys all their credibility. Their use of fruit flies ensures that all the fruit they eat are contaminated. This leads to all sorts of mental illnesses. Just like their cousins, the dreaded tsetses, these flies can produce forms of sleeping sickness too. Sleepy biologists should, under no circumstances, be trusted. Also, they believe in genes. They claim they see these genes, which strikes me as an odd claim, because most biologists can't operate machinery. And if they say they're seeing these genes with their naked eyes, they're obviously full of rubbish. I don't believe in genes. If most of them are skeptical enough not to believe in God, because they can't SEE God, then how come they believe in genes that they can't see?

Also, for science to be good science, it must have predictive powers. Remember this surprising fact that even scientists admit to! This automatically puts astrology and feng shui on top of the list of good sciences. How weird is that?

* They are pompous asses who dress badly because they think they have better things to worry about. I disagree.
As a part of my quest to understand science, I just saw pictures of the universe*.

I've got to admit it looks pretty unimpressive. If you must believe in God, then you've also got to believe that God has no fashion sense.

P.S. The universe doesn't really give a shit about you. I just asked it. The modern conspiracy theorist cliche is to blame it all on the universe, but the universe can't be bothered with your insignificant life, I'm afraid.

* The universe was created in the year 1876 by a leading research group at Harvard University. The universe was deliberately created a zillion billion years old because Harvard didn't have enough funding for a new one. Contributions are welcome, and will guarantee entry visas to the newer, cooler one presently under construction.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

All your space are belong to us.